From Eden to Heathen

Hi. My name is Shari and I’m a heathen.

After approximately 25 years “in the church” I threw in the towel.

Called it quits.

Shouted “hasta la vista, baby!” while making the devil horn sign as I walked down the pews mid-sermon on a Sabbath morning.

Ok, the last part isn’t true, but maybe I should’ve done it for the heck of it. Because my quiet departure has yielded more or less the same response.

Ok, maybe that’s not altogether true either.

See, I’m a liar: heathen to the core.

Honestly though, my departure hasn’t really been met with any extreme or adverse reactions from my former congregants. And I think this is simply because they just don’t know that I’m gone. Like, gone gone. To the dark side. They know that I’ve moved across the island and probably that I’m separated from my husband. But, I don’t think they really know.

A few of my close friends are aware, my mother (who is hiding her devastation remarkably well), and maybe the odd church friend who noticed my tattoos when I visited church a while back. Yeah, tattoos are explicit heathen marks. I think my closest friends, who are happy in their walk with The Lord, probably took it the hardest. I guess it’s hard to understand how after 25 years in the faith and all that God has brought me through, I could just turn my back on him and leave. Well, let me tell you how/why I did it.

I don’t know when it started, (it being the decline of my faith) but it definitely was during a period of depression, when I began to question everything in my life. I felt like a stranger to myself and I just wasn’t happy. Nothing had meaning or purpose and church was high on the list of pointlessly rote functions. White Jesus just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. He wasn’t making me happy; he wasn’t bringing me the fulfillment I longed for; he wasn’t saving my marriage; he wasn’t making me a multimillionaire by sitting on the couch every day.

So, unintentionally, the quitting of my marriage coincided with my quitting of the church. And I have NEVER felt happier in my life!!! I don’t ask anyone to keep me through the night or wake me up in the mornings, and unbelievably I’ve made it through the last two years. I haven’t asked anyone to bless my meal before eating it and I can’t say I’ve experienced any supernatural food poisoning thus far. I must admit though that I’ve had to beseech somebody on occasion (God, I guess) when taking public transportation. But it’s Jamaica. Supernatural powers are needed on the roads.

I go to work on Saturdays and I don’t feel guilty about “breaking the Sabbath”. I eat the dreaded PORK, much to my mother’s dismay. I have tattoos and piercings to come. I haven’t intentionally been to church or “fellowshipped with the brethren” in two years. I have fully embraced the hedonistic life. Heck, I even accept that LGBTQ persons are actual persons who deserve respect and love!**  But most importantly, at the end of each day, I am happy. I don’t feel the need to believe in anything or anyone, or try to make it to some distant land in the clouds. I believe that my choices, and not my faith, are responsible for the outcome of my life. I am certain of this life and will live it to the fullest. YOLO.

So, do I still believe in God? Religion?

No, and no. This is Westworld and none of us are real.

Really though. My view on God and Religion is simple: if it makes you happy, by all means go ahead with it. Just don’t be killing folks. That’s not cool. I could, but I’d rather not get into the whole diatribe against organized Religion and Christianity and what it meant for my slave ancestors, and all the evils that were done in it’s name. That’s for another time and another post.

I will admit though, sometimes I can’t help but believe in a Creator when I look into the eyes of a beautiful innocent child, or see the majesty of a sunset from above the clouds. Or eat pizza. Because some higher power obviously created man with the capacity to create pizza and that Great Being deserves recognition!

All the other times, I simply don’t care.

I don’t know if we are here on this Earth for a purpose or just as an experiment.

I do know that we (humans) are downright terrible but equally as great, Religion or nah.

And I am OK with that.

 

 

** This is not to say that Christians in general don’t share this view, but I know A LOT of them who don’t!**

 

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Healing

I have good news, bad news and news that need not be labelled.

This is how you want need it, so this is how I’ll break it to you:

The Bad News

Love sucks. Love hurts. Love will reduce you to shreds of your former self.

The Good News

You. Will. Get. Over. It

Eventually.

The News (that need not be labelled)

It is a long and painful process. But it is worthwhile. The heart will mend itself, if you allow it.

Healing…can never be sped up…can never be rushed. It’s a ‘PROCESS’ that has to be allowed to continue on its own, with no impatient interruptions. At the beginning time seems to stand still, fueled by thoughts of avoidance and denial, but recovery gradually increases as soon as we learn one thing: ‘ACCEPTANCE’. Just as the hand holds the needle and sews the heart, we should also learn to Trust the process, accept things for the way they are, and Believe that soon, those loose ends, will all come together.                                                   IG @leo_cor84

 

 

 

FLoW

 

When words are but a trickle

of the forceful river upstream

dammed by thoughts

damned by the fear

of unleashing the raw power of uncensored emotions.

“I need you; your existence is the reason I start each day”

seeps out as a safe and unassuming “hey”.

“I hate you so much for ruining my life”

becomes a quiet but poisonous “bye”.

 

Living with Catapedaphobia

My name is Shari Kelly and I’m a catapedaphobe. In other words, I cannot and will not jump from any height that I think could result in me harming or killing myself. I am a legit black person. This tremendous self-discovery … Continue reading

Not Another Life Post

5:45 am and I haven’t slept yet.

I actually wrote a whole different post a few hours ago, lamenting about my new life as a couch-potato, and all the things I think I should actually be doing with my life. Essentially, I was highlighting my laziness, lack of zeal, and my non-existent drive to get up and actually do something that will make my (or someone else’s) life worthwhile.

The post was quite witty, the perfect length, and best of all, brand new. I was actually looking forward to posting it later on today. I don’t think I’ll be posting it though. Anyhow, fast forward a couple minutes and a few more old-school tunes, I came upon this post on Thought Catalog.

I decided to check out the last video, as it seemed the most interesting to me. Also, I’d shared a script idea about suicide with my 2 pals earlier on in the night so I thought it fitting to watch it, as I could use it for research. See video below.

And you NEED to watch it. These 2 minutes and 22 seconds are worth it.

I spent the next hour and a half in awe, heart pounding madly, as I watched the most intriguingly mind-numbing thing I’ve ever seen. If you have the time, I urge you to check it out also. See video below.

CAUTION: Sappy people will exude LOTS of sap while watching. Non-sappy people will develop sap.

After watching this video, I now have a brand new appreciation for life-not just for mine but for human life in general. I also felt that I needed to jump on a plane to San Francisco straightaway, just so I could walk that bridge all day telling people that God loves them, that somebody loves them and that there is a purpose for them in life. But, because I’m soo busy these days and my schedule absolutely will not allow, I’ll just have to do that here, in this way.

Everybody has a purpose in this life. God loves everybody. He has a plan for everybody. Every living person that knows and believes this has the right to ensure that everyone else also believes this.

We don’t know who needs encouragement and reassurance, or even just a smile. So why not just give of them freely, to everyone, all the time?