I turned thirty exactly eleven days ago and save for that time in sixth grade when my best friend and I had boyfriends, I don’t think Valentine’s Day has ever meant more to me. Here’s why:
1. I just broke up with my boyfriend
Didn’t see that coming, did ya? Well, it’s the truth. I broke up with my (secret) boyfriend exactly a week ago (for good this time!) and though I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day, I kind of felt like this would have been a meaningful one at the very least, had we survived. I never expected chocolate or roses or anything remotely heart-shaped, but the thought of actually not being single for one freaking Valentine’s Day (especially the one after my MONUMENTAL thirtieth birthday) was actually very present in my subconscious before we split. Suffice it to say, the day has been a complete drag, being bombarded on all fronts by everything red, white, pink, kissy, and loveable that the world has to offer. It is disgusting. Disgustingly painful and in some ways a mockery of my recent heartbreak. Should I have waited the extra seven days just to have the pleasure of feeling internally pleased with myself for finally not being one of those single people Valentine’s Day? I don’t think the turmoil would have been worth it, really. But maybe?
2. Self-love is real and so important
I have always loved myself. I can guarantee that no-one, nay, a single soul, who has ever met me thinks I am more awesome than I think I am awesome. However, tapping into this awesomeness has been a feat since 2020 started (particularly the last seven days) and I’ve had to consciously make the effort to love myself. It has been one of the most diminishing things for me, having someone I have loved for a long time make me feel like I’m not enough. It’s made me wonder if I was ever even good enough to begin with; and if I was, then at what point did I become less than what I was? Worse even, not being the one who committed the offence, for a while, it really felt like it was all my fault. If I were more of this or less of that, then maybe I’d still be with you, scoffing at all the anti-Valentine’s day memes as you pretend to watch a rerun of Catfish and we have Ramen for supper. Alas, it’s just me tonight. But thankfully, I’m not that sad. I’m writing this hilarious blog post instead. My efforts at self-love have helped me to realize that I am, was, and always will be, enough. Whoever thinks otherwise simply has no room in my life and it is never my duty to prove anything to them. It’s the cliche of the century, but god is it true! Also, Ramen and Catfish reruns is probably my new love language! (100% joking here)
3. The brainwashing is real
Here we are, on literally just another day in the year, getting up in arms about whether or not another human being finds us desirable, and how much our desirability index is affected by our choices – and lack thereof – in our coupling or non-coupling. Or is it just me? Honestly, this point was meant to be way more profound, but the fact that my current neighbours are blaring Vybz Kartel’s most lovingly explicit hits (which appears to also be a love language) as I write this, is making it extremely difficult to articulate in the coherent and intelligible way I had hoped. That being said, I will mention Netflix’s latest reality love trope (on which I am absurdly and absolutely hooked) Love is Blind, because it just shows how crazy humans are as it relates to “love” and I secretly love/hate it. Seriously though, I am aware of how on brand this is for a recent dumpee: “Barf on Valentine’s Day and Try to Ruin it for Others”. But I assure you, I do not take that stance. I just think that we, single or double folk, shouldn’t allow a single day out of the 365/6 to let us question our worth, or make us feel less than all the “lovers” who capitalize on this capitalist consumerist scheme and are deliberately being extra sickeningly cute around us for a whole 24 hours.
I will conclude with a question, that I’m obviously asking for a friend: who’s supposed to make the first move when you match with someone on Bumble?